User blog:GokūBlack10/The Angry Ten-Tails: Bleach 577
So I promised Blank that I would be doing satirical reviews of the weekly Bleach chapters in place of my usual rants over on Bleach Wiki. I am calling these reviews The Angry Ten-Tails, so expect sarcasm, cursing, and an all around humorous look through my eyes as we review the weekly Bleach Kubo provides us. Let's begin. Bleach 557: Sword Cue Ode to Joy... Beautiful view isn't it? Meteor coming out of the sky to kill all of our unsuspecting heroes? Its so fresh and original. I mean, nobody has ever thought of that before, right? Fairy Tail Wait... One Piece Just hold on one goddamn moment... Naruto Well that's just awkward. Huh... Well, moving on, the meteor—which has as much detail as Kubo's backgrounds—has done the job of causing everyone in Soul Society to collectively shit their pants. I say everybody, but then... ....Got viagra? So—if it wasn't made abundantly clear in the last chapter (Zaraki saying he had a raging hard on)—Zaraki is clearly turned the fuck on by Gremmy's meteorite. I've never seen that face on anyone ever. This guy has the weirdest fetishes. First its carving up Unohana and now its the thought of cutting a meteorite. This brings the term "S&M" to a whole new level. At this point, I was hoping Zaraki would put me out of my misery and shut Gremmy up. One can only take so many weeks of that kid giving speeches about how God-like he is, which he proceeds to do again this week. And. Son of a bitch. Zaraki delivers. Did I mention there were sexual references in this chapter? Now, at this point, Yachiru has a useless flashback of when she met Zaraki. I'd just like to take this moment... really... to thank Kubo Tite. I mean. This could've been Yachiru's moment. To take on a Stern Ritter with more trolling power than Justin Beiber's tour manager. To show us the power of ''Bleach women and once and for all prove that she is a character who can stand on her own and not just Zaraki's pet hairball. But no. No. That'd just be too goddamn convenient. Wouldn't it, Kubo? So she got shelved and we got Captain Erection to the rescue. Really, looking upon Yachiru as she flashes back to her earlier childhood, I couldn't help but feel pity. She is now forever a background character with no hopes of ever becoming anything great. Just like every woman who has tried to ascend to greatness in Bleach. And to that, we all say: "Up yours, Kubo." At last, we arrive at the moment Bleach fans have been waiting for all their little fanboy and fangirl lives. The epitome of the Bleach manga. The Shikai of Zaraki Kenpachi ...Does anybody hear that? That, my friends, is the sound of every Bleach Wiki contributor's head simultaneously imploding. That's right. For years people have been telling them that Zaraki doesn't have a constant release Shikai. For years, these people have ridiculed those naysayers. And, in true Bleach fashion, Kubo has flipped Bleach Wiki the bird. I would like to take a moment now to ruin your collective childhoods. Kenpachi told Nozarashi last chapter that he was getting a raging hard on. This chapter, he reveals it has a release command: "Swallow". And... what is the effect of Nozarashi? Hmmm...? That's right. It gets larger. *crickets chirp* The Shikai of Kenpachi Zaraki.... ...is a boner. Naruto 673: With Us...!! So, this was a section begged of me. As promised here we go. Disclaimer, however: I actually like Naruto, as a manga, to a much higher degree than I like Bleach. I always have, but, lately, Bleach has fallen into a pitfall and Kishimoto hit the best stride ever, so... yeah... Let's go! Suck on this, Madara! Seriously, though. There is no amount of hemorrhoid cream that is going to make that burn go away. Not only does Naruto cut through the God Tree he hit Madara dead center. Are you watching Ichigo? Are you taking notes? This is how a protagonist takes care of shit. Seriously though, get the man some hemorrhoid creme. Now. We've all seen Naruto do some pretty awesome shit. The guy is a massive fucking idiot, but he's an idiot done right. And, in true Naruto fashion, he manages not only to fuck up Madara's shit, but... ...I really hope Madara had insurance on that. And now we come to my favorite part of the whole goddamn chapter. That's right. This was my favorite part. The motherfucking tree.... falls on Madara. My reaction? "Take that, you son of a bitch!" Of course, Madara, with some help from the voices in his head, actually absorbs the tree, but it doesn't detract from how fucking funny that scene was. I was laughing my tits off. Then we find out Guy is going to survive for sure. Okay, I've heard a lot of hate about this, and frankly, I don't give a damn. I love Guy sensei. He gave Madara the biggest asskicking since Goku turned up the whoopass on Frieza. So... to... everyone who wanted Guy to die. Regardless of reasons; Finally, we learn that Sasuke has saved the Second. Oh joy. The man who is, arguably, responsible for the river of shit the Naruto world is now swimming in, is safe. You can all whipe your collective brows. I know you were all as worried as I was. (Not!) Oh, did anyone else catch Gaara trying to get Naruto to have a drink with him? Seriously Naruto. Sasuke is your best friend? Don't worry, Gaara. I''' love you. Obito and Sakura are having a heart-to-heart in the other dimension. Just wait. Next week she'll be blowing him like the whore she is. Its about all she's good for in this manga any longer. Ah... young love. Seriously, though, Naruto. You have some serious balls to call Madara the dumbass. Though, when your head is as empty as Naruto's, I suppose it just comes natural. I love him anyways. Sasuke on the other hand... >_> Of course, this was the big moment for most people Sasuke has gotten the '''Rinnegan. Naruto the Senjutsu of the Six Paths. I knew from the moment Madara got the Rinnegan that Sasuke would. But its cool that Naruto gets those nifty Truth-Seeking Balls. Heheheh... Balls. And so begins the final battle between Naruto and Sasuke vs Madara... 'cause God knows Sakura ain't gonna do shit! :D Conclusion In all honestly, I hope this was vaguely enjoyable. To be honest, while I've despised nearly every chapter of this new arc of Bleach, this one was one of the more bearable ones, if only for the fact that I can now trot over to Bleach Wiki and give them a big ol' fashion "I told ya so!" :D In the comments section of this blog, and those that will follow it in the coming weeks, feel free to leave your rants, or your own, less profanity-ridden reviews of the Bleach chapter and discuss them until your heart's content. In the meantime, I'm going to down a bottle of aspirin... the only sane reaction one can have anymore to a Bleach chapter. Goodnight, BFF. 07:17, April 16, 2014 (UTC) Category:Blog posts